I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
