just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
