My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
time to smoke my breakfast
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
