Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
