you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Drunk is a universal language darling
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