I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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