You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
