My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He passed out mid-signature
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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