I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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