I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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