I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When are your genitals available?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
