i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
