Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
