I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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