The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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