either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Randomize
