She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
