I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
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You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
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Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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