that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
