That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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