just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
