Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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