Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
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I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
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We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.