You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
