I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
