I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
