She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
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I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
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So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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