Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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