She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
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In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now