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Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Randomize
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