YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
