She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
