i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
