Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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