i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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