If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Your penis caused this!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
