11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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