did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
