he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
