he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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