his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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