I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
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Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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