Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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