It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
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Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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