just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
