When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE