DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
