I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
