i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
