I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
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And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
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Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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