i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
