I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
