brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
