So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
