i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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