oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
