Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Terrible idea I love it
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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